Joshuaink: You wipe which way?

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You wipe which way?

Thursday December 8, 2005

Yes ladies, but mostly I fear, and gentlemen. I interrupt the 2005 review series for more deeply disturbing insights in to what it means to be a part of the [John] Oxton family.

There’s no skirting around the issue as it involves poo and your butt hole.

You might now be thinking that such a conversation could only possibly start whilst tied up in rubber being whipped with a 12” dildo but you’d be wrong, though I do keep asking. No this was a conversation that started most innocently; this was a conversation that lead to the startling revelation that I am apparently in a minority because I stand up whilst wiping my ass. I mean honestly how can you seriously wipe your ass sat down, that’s physically impossible!

How can you inspect your poop for Flickr worthiness, worms, or generally just check it out for size, colour and likeness to a torpedo if you cover it in toilet paper first?

Seriously, if you sit down to wipe the do do from your bum hole you are a living example of why society is the way it is. Geez!

Or maybe I have been doing something wrong all this time. So tell me do you stand up or sit down?

Okay, okay, so you’re not gonna put your name to this shit (sorry for the pun) but do it anon, I’ll let it pass on this occasion.

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fellow upright wiper

1305 days ago

holy shit (no pun intended)... I thought I was the only one. I mean, seriously, I’ve tried doing it sitting down, and I feel like my hand is going to… ahem… go for a log ride.
I’ll have to agree that it is the technique for the more advanced wiper. I bet people who remain seated for the cleansing session also buy the “savings” brand toilet paper, or hell… they might just use newsprint.
Anon (sniggers)

1305 days ago

If standing – arse cheeks are closer together, providing less accessibility to wiping away excess poo (and that’s the main idea with wiping isn’t it?)
So wiping while sitting actually HELPS clear away more of the shit!

Ideally (and this is what I do if I’m bothered – depends on what’s going on with the poo and how bad it is)...the best thing to do is a combination of the two:

1. Wipe while seated, then..
2. Stand to review wiped tissue-paper and poo before throwing tissue-paper into the toilet bowl.

Ta da!
sitter

1305 days ago

Oh no, you can’t stand up. If you’ve got, say, excess baggage after a good download, standing up will only serve to squish your cheeks together. And squishing cheeks is not good. Think of squeezing two loaves of bread with peanut butter in between.

Ooog. I’ve actually just grossed myself out.

Once more, the internet helping answer life’s great debates.
Matt

1305 days ago

Only girls sit.
leaner

1305 days ago

leaning over to one side provides you the best of both worlds…
Fen

1305 days ago

Wait a minute… you’re supposed to wipe your arse?
No wonder I use so much of the toilet roll

1305 days ago

So I have wiping the wrong way for the last 29 years. It’s official – my parents taught me nothing….

Now I think about it sitting down would make more sense.
manuel

1305 days ago

this is the first time ever in my life that i hear that some of you actually stand up to do it. how in gods name is it possible to master a good wipe like that?
—i’ll be right back—
i am not chubby or something, i am a narcissistic athletic aesthetic, so fat ass-cheeks are not my problem (i just gave it a testrun).

no really, i can not understand how it is possible to do it. it might be possible, but are you guys sure that it’s really clean back there? i mean, you want to recieve some head later on tonite, or? well, if i were your wife, i would rather not smell what you had for dinner while hiding my face in your crotch.

and another good thing to know: do you guys shave your ass and balls? those of you who answer with no can stay standing, since it makes no difference anyways i guess. if you do, i am pretty sure you stay steated, lean onto one asscheek, and do several front to back wipes, and maybe a careful and short “just to be safe” back to front wipe (be careful not to hit your balls with the paper). the ultimate plus, of cause, is wet toiletpaper (with a nice moisturizer-effect).

dont ask me for a video-tut now :p
Anon

1305 days ago

Nope I can’t really contemplate sitting down to do it either, just seems wrong.

I’m definately in the having a ‘good inspection’ camp.
Max Roeleveld

1305 days ago

I lean, sometimes going halfway up. Gives me the best access and some free upper leg workout at the same time.

Manuel has a very good point about the wet paper, though. I mean, you do all use that, right?
Number Two

1305 days ago

Whipe whilst sitting down? But…how? I’d surely dislocate one thing or the other. Also it’s just lazy.

You stand up of course! Geez…. freaks!
Kester

1304 days ago

Anonymous?! Why ever bother, everyone does one or the other…

Standing up to perform the ritual is probably the most obscure thing I’ve heard this year. I shall stay sat down, inspection is not something that really appeals to me…. at all.
cyberhobo

1304 days ago

This all stems from the core error of sitting on a chair to crap. My first preference is perform the whole operation in a squat, as we do outdoors. The principles have been illustrated already – the buttocks are more out of the way and collect less debris. I do raise up a few inches for the wiping stage (reference to log ride), but it’s amazing how much cleaner it is.

When forced to use the western sitting device, I lean forward to approximate a squat.
Brian Poo

1304 days ago

Oh absolutely standing up. Is it just me or is plunging your hand into the bowl wihout looking rather disgusting?

Vote for clean, vote for standing up!
greg

1304 days ago

I find trying to wipe your arse while standing upright is a little difficult. My technique is to slightly bend from the hips which will promote your checks to slightly part. Before starting the cleaning process ensure you wrap your hand or hands with several sheets of bog paper and in a SLOW and UPWARD motion you can begin to clean your arse.

The reason I use the upward motion is that this will catch any loose bits, thus saving you from picking these nasty bits up from the floor or even standing on them. Worse still, you could leave said bits of shit on the floor undiscovered for the next user.

Being a frugal kind of chap I will fold the paper in on it’s self and wipe again if necessary, this will also give me the opportunity to examine my shite and to count how many sweet corns I can find.
Martijn Senden

1304 days ago

I sit down, because I am lazy by nature. Also, I think standing up is dangerous. If the peanut butter analogy (above) didn’t convince you of this, then the illustrative piece of artwork below certainly will:
Mark

1304 days ago

Standing all the way.

I actually got into a simiilar conversation at university that is just as important… the direction. Does one go from front to back, or back to front? I was amazed it was about 50/50. I mean, going from back to front could result in all kinds of uncomfortable situations, am I right???
Olly

1304 days ago

Standing, it’s the only way.
Ted Drake

1304 days ago

wipe?
Girls don't poo

1304 days ago

....or at least in my boyfriend’s perfect world they wouldn’t. What’s up with that, guys?

I can’t imagine standing up completely before at least wiping once while sitting down, leaning forward. There is no plunging of the hand into the bowl, I am leaning forward enough to “hover” over it. Once the initial wipe is completed, standing is ok for further review.

I’ve heard of people wiping back to front instead of the proper way of front to back. Please, please, never do this, girls can even get infections that way!

And wet toilet paper sheets (flush-able baby wipes for grown-ups) are now a must in my bathroom.
Kim Siever

1304 days ago

I am a sitting down convert. I find it to do a more thorough job and I don’t get tiny bits of TP on the washroom floor.

And regarding the comment that only girls sit, both my wife and my daughter stand.
Rob

1304 days ago

i never even knew it was possible to wipe your arse whilst sitting down? i thought that was what girls did when they went for a piss.

i myself am a standerupper. i couldnt ever see myself sitting down.
Keith

1304 days ago

I’m a stander…. its the only way to get “deep enough” ;)
Matt Wilcox

1304 days ago

STANDING???

Seriously?

Doesn’t the poop get squished if you stand up?
anon

1304 days ago

I also was a stander my entire life until I recently read a debate on this topic on an internet forum. I decided to try sitting and have been a dedicated sitter for the last two and a half weeks.
Sit, and front to back...

1304 days ago

I had NO idea that standing up was even an option! Now, first of all, I guess I would both look and feel increadibly stupid in any way possible, whilst doing the “Standing Wipe yoga position”...

Secondly, there are the very valid points of both squeezing and falling debris to the floor…

I also have to join the “front to back”-crowd…

(I can’t imagine Web 2.0 actually makes this an important discussion…)
Lowell

1304 days ago

I am a leaner wiper. I think this is the best of the both worlds, easier access than sitting all the way down, while the cheeks remain spread.

This is almost as big a deal as the time when my dentist told me i was swallowing the wrong way. I was flipping out.
mike

1304 days ago

hahaha, whenever I’ve had this conversation – a few times back at uni after a few bevvies – I discovered almost half of the girsl I asked ( it seems now I foolishly assumed lads did it ‘Oxton’ stylee) were:

a) extremely offended by me asking them how they wiped thier arses, and

b) wiped while sitting down from BACK to FRONT.

How wrong is that??

And now it seem men do it? Do you not get your bollocks covered in the aforementioned peanut butter??

[shudder]
Wassah!

1304 days ago

I stand up, turn around, look down. See what kind of mess I made today… then I turn around, and proceed to wipe my ass. Standing. The correct way. If you sit and wipe your ass, there is seriously something wrong with you. Seriously. As in you probably have a phobia of your own feces.
Brent Peters

1303 days ago

My house had this same conversation about a week ago. We also innocently got started on this very topic which then turned into a not-so heated debate over the right way to wipe. Short story even shorter, we eventually woke up two of our roommates from their sleep to find out which way they wipe in a hope to find out who was in the minority. My personal story/’contribution-to-the-way-society-is’ is wiping from the back (reach around) sitting down and with crumpled paper.

Other roommates wipe from the front with carefully folded paper. I say that folding is totally unnecessary because its function is to be glamorized for a split second then sent whizzing down the drain so why fold such a condemned piece of tissue in a neat and orderly fashion? Makes no sense.

Needless to say this post brought a great many laughs to the house.

-Brent
poopertruper

1303 days ago

The whole thing with stand n squish doesn’t apply to me, since I’m always sure to pinch the last one off, to avoid a klingon situation, then I stand and wipe.

i may give the sitting method a go though, since it’s just something that I probably haven’t tried since I got potty trained so many decades ago.

Wow! Where would we be without our habits? Probably in some futuristic public restroom, using three seashells.

I really wish I could shower after every shit… like brushing after every meal… keeping both ends nice and clean.
Matt

1303 days ago

I personally favour the lean on one leg, giving you appropriate spread. But with regard to folding, I believe in crumpling. You get far more texture that way with which to grab leftovers.
Lloyd Kinsley

1303 days ago

I lean, wipe and Check
anon

1302 days ago

I never knew standing up is EVEN AN OPTION because I worry about peanut butter getting squished by my fat cheeks. The solution? Do please sit down and dig your hand in the bowl that doesn’t require fancy manoeuvers, which is also good to let go a couple more leftover farts.

I fold toilet paper each time I wipe my ass until I ran out of any more foldings left, so I get some more paper to do it all over again. Yes, I worry about wasting toilet paper!

Most of the time, I spit on the paper for a MOISTURISING EFFECT, which my buttocks so really deserve. Oh man that was a good wipe with my saliva.

I wipe my ass front to back, which is cleaner than back to front because if I do BACK-TO-FRONT, peanut butter seem to be stuck in my hairy crevices for some reason. Deciding to shave the area is another story that you do not need to hear.

Ahem, and depening on your gender, I also make sure my sexual organ is clean too.
sdooW nevetS

1302 days ago

amends the ‘remember me’ auto-filled entries… that was a close one.

As someone who is sitting (right this moment) on an evil bowt of ring-sting due to an incomprehensively large dump, I have to remind you that no matter which way you wipe, get some soft fucking paper.

walks away john-wayne stylee

p.s. real men do it standing up.
Randy

1301 days ago

Um, I sit down when I wipe. I lean forward and bend my left leg at the knee so that my leg goes beside the toilet. (I’m left-handed. If I were right-handed, I would bend the opposite leg). I then lean forward for maximum spreadedness.

I go from behind and wipe front to back.

I also fold the paper before my first wipe. I wipe, then I examine the paper and fold it in half. I repeat one or two more times, then get a fresh piece of paper and do it again until there is no more poo.

I can’t believe that people stand when they wipe. It defies all logic…
Skid marks are not cool

1301 days ago

Everyone is doing it all wrong! If your at home, you don’t need to bother with toilet paper. After crapping, Just take off your pants and socks, get in the tub and splash soap and water up there while squatting to make sure it’s squeaky clean. You’ll see some feces float down to the drain but you’ll get used to it after awhile. Then get out of the tub, dry off your feet and get dressed.

If your out in public, grab some paper towels, fold one set and make it really wet with water, fold a second set and keep it dry. After your done doing #2, wipe with regular toilet paper, then polish it off with the wet paper towel, then dry it with the dry paper towel. This is the best method.

(I had a lot of diaper rashes when I was a kid…)
anon

1299 days ago

if standing to wipe was ment to be, then why are bidets designed to be leant over… allowing for maximam cheek spreadage is it not?

Matt

leaner

Fen

No wonder I use so much of the toilet roll

Anon

greg

Martijn Senden

Girls don't poo

Rob

Lowell

mike

Wassah!

poopertruper

anon

Skid marks are not cool

anon

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