Joshuaink: You are so desperate you are imagining this post, it's not really here

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You are so desperate you are imagining this post, it's not really here

Tuesday August 23, 2005

If you've ever sat up all night sipping brandy in front of an open log fire, you'll know that special feeling, that time of night when the fire has just flickered out but the warmth remains, that point when daylight is just about to break over the horizon and then from nowhere, a last surge of flame bursts through the embers, taking you by surprise and setting your brandy alight, burning you eyebrows, your wolly jumper and all your hair too and killing an otherwise sloppy, sentimental analogy cold fucking dead, just like it deserves.. anyway.. what was I saying:

My dad died

That was the first thing that happened and that was confusing. I hadn't spoken to my dad in four years; to be honest he and I hadn't really been close since I was 10. We never fell out as such and it's a long story but suffice to say he hadn't been a part of my life for a long time. Luckily I have a great step dad who I never, ever, call, or consider, to be a "step" dad -- only when explaining situations like this -- so just for the record if you hear me mention my dad you'll know I mean my step dad.

But yeah, my biological father died and I felt nothing, zip, shit, nowt. Except I know exactly what this means, it's usually going to come out of me in unusual ways; I get hyperactive; overly unfunny whilst trying to be overly funny; very loud (louder than normal) and just kinda run around and, it has to be said, may even try and pick an argument in an effort to feel something that I know should be there but isn't.

I'm over it, it's done, I got it all worked out in my head.

I gave up smoking

I have, in my time, experimented with some serious drugs: cocaine, dope, ecstasy, acid and I have given them all up without a second thought but not smoking, I love smoking -- and then I stopped; for the simple reason that I promised the Missus I would; and then I went fucking mental.

Really, I wouldn't start smoking again quite simply because I don't think I could live through those first five weeks again and neither could my family. Just about two months on and I am still gagging for a fag. If they find the cure for death, you'll see me down the shop buying a party pack of cancer sticks -- extra strong, with no filters!

Too many fucking emails

You would think that giving away a few templates, writing a few tutorials would be enough? Well for a lot of people it is but for some it isn't and I have had a fair few emails asking if I can just "quickly" check this over 'cos it's not working like you said it would on your tutorial, or could I fix one of my free templates after significant changes have been made, blah, blah, blah. NO, that is how I earn my living, I don't do it for free!

To be honest, at first I tried to answer these emails but you soon get into a situation where you are taking up large portions of your day and not actually paying the bills and in the end I just gave up answering all email, which was a shame because I know I missed some email from virtual friends -- for that I am sorry! But I have to say the lack of emails since I closed down JoshuaWank has been a dream, so don't start with the emails already, thank you.

I took a bit of flak, badly

Probably related to dad dying and giving up smoking I let myself get into -- as we say in the UK -- a few barnies with a some people. I got cross about things that didn't matter. I am over that too.. which is nice.

I shut my blog down, bang bang

Cross, angry, tired and stressed I took this site down. It was a totally liberating experience I must say, I felt better straight away, I still feel better, I may do it again straight after this post or maybe next week if I have another episode.

The farewells

But something happened then the Ring did not intend.. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable.. A Hobbit.. No wait wrong post. So, yeah then all these tribute kinda posts started flying up all over the place; which was both embarrassing and touching in roughly equal parts -- I also rushed to the Doctors wondering if I had died, I can confirm that I was alive on that day. Ultimately this bit was meant to have a bit more depth and goo to it, but the bottom line is that for a few days now I have been wondering whether I should mail all those people who did such genuinely nice posts and ask if they mind if I sneak in a wee post. But hey, I figured they are such nice people they wouldn't mind.

The emails

Perhaps the best of all the mails I got whilst the site was actually down was the one which went something along the lines of: I've never read your blog, it looked quite nice though, I think you should release the design for others to use, for free. This guy is a fucking joker, right? Anyway, I got some mails with requests here, pleas there so it seemed easiest just to bung the archive back up and besides ultimately I felt bad about the link rot and the magazine that had just published me and the free book I got sent... Basically, I felt like I was being a little bit ungrateful and it's true, I was but I was feeling a bit selfish that week!

One drunken night

Now, my fellow fanboys, can you imagine for a moment having sat in your living room Andy Budd, Dustan Orchard and Ian Lloyd (Richard and Tim were there too but were being seriously geeky with a laptop in a corner) but being way too pissed to say anything sensible, or to even remember what was said. Well that happened to me and I can't really remember what was said but I woke up with the next morning with a stinking hangover, cooked them all breakfast and they went home. Errr, there was supposed to be a point to this but I can't remember.. O, yeah, that was it; I came away thinking, what the fuck did we talk about? Why didn't Dunstan put the waterproof bit on his tent? And it's just a website, it really doesn't matter.

Life is a lemon

Reading this certainly gave me pause for thought. I hate being reminded that shit really can just happen for no apparent reason but you're always grateful it didn't happen to you on that day.

Can't you do it without the FUCK bit?

This was put to me by a few people, y'know, do the blogging but just don't do all the mad ranting stuff. I thought about this for a while, how can I explain? You go to your bedroom to find Angelina Jolie stark naked, screaming, mad with lust, banonkers even, shouting give it to me big boy, give it to me now, hard and quick and then make the hot chocolates and find my slippers. You don't, at this point run off to the toilet to whip a quick one off the wrist and finish the last chapter of your book on OS X, now do you.. you DO? O, okay then... fucking geeks.

Actually that analogy makes no sense at all but hey let's leave it in, it's a pleasant thought. But yeah, if I blog -- I FUCKING blog, I can't help it, I really can't.

You don't like me, I don't like Scrivs

Ha! No not really, Scrivs is cool but my point is I can write it but you don't have to like it, you can write it and I don't have to like it (and I also love that headline, it's a modern classic) before I think I was worrying too much about what people were saying/thinking about me and my blog but I am back to where I was again, I don't give a fuck -- for now anyway.

So what now?

Well, right now much of my spare time is spent looking at this photo (God bless you Kitta, you provide a valuable service for ageing geeks around the world, may you long prevail, though I fear for that monkey, I really do.) but when I am done with that, who knows maybe we'll talk about it.

O, and CSS showcase sites (thanks for reminding me Colly)?

Self congratulatory nonsense by a bunch of half talents with nothing better to do than pat each other on the back, get a real job losers! What you really need is my new Flickr set, Old boys' club. Mark my words people, in a few months this will be the place to be seen, apply now, be one of the first, send me money and we can be friends -- really, it's the only way to get on there.

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Faruk Ate?ü

1101 days ago

Finally! :P

Now fix the damn tab order ;)
Frode Danielsen

1101 days ago

! I almost can’t believe I’m reading this. A long, and humorous piece by Mr. Oxton!

Anyway, condolances for your biological dad (though I’m not sure you want those). I can only imagine what you’ve put your head through (I’m too young, please don’t kill me!). In The End™ though, this post set the spirit of my day ahead!

And you still remember me! (Anyone get it? Anyone? No..)

Welcome back.
Joshua Marshall

1101 days ago

It’s good to have you back, Sir!
Drew

1101 days ago

Now sod off, you grumpy old git. :)
Gerard McGarry

1101 days ago

Welcome back John! Long live profanity!!!
Matt

1101 days ago

Whey! Glad you’re back!
Ben Ward

1101 days ago

Ah bollocks, here was me trying to do some work as well. Pretending that this imaginary post exists has caused all manner of delay.

Nice post John. It’s good to be reading amongst the flowers again.
jeremiah

1101 days ago

damn I miss this. welcome fucking back. hope it all fucking works out and we fucking hear more from you soon and fucking often.
Hilde

1101 days ago

Well, if I’m only imagining this post – you’re only imagining this comment.

For me, this was the greatest daydream I’ve had so far this week (well.. almost – The L Word was on last night), and if I had any control over my imagination, I’d dream up a post from you every single day.

Oh, actually – I obviously imagined the post three times. According to my RSS newsreader, who miraculously keeps tracks of my.. eh.. fantasies.
Shawn Grimes

1101 days ago

What a great way to start off my Tuesday morning. A nice cold Coca Cola and a long winded return from the dead from Mr. Oxton.

John I have to say it is great to read what was really going on (sort of) to put to rest all the rumors floating around. Glad to see you back on the proverbial horse. Oh, and about answering your emails, don’t sweat it, I sent you a couple of them myself but they were alas not that important. ;)
isil Flynn

1101 days ago

Yay! Welcome Back.
Kate Bolin

1101 days ago

Wait—are you here? Are you not? Does this post exist? Does it not?

Am I here? What am I doing? Am I really writing a comment for a post that does not exist? Or does it exist? Where am I going? Why am I here?

Oh no! The existential angst has caught up with me again!
Matt Wilcox

1101 days ago

Welcome back. :-)
Asela

1101 days ago

So good to have you back, Mr. Oxton!
Dean Allen

1101 days ago

Nice one, John.
Simon Mason

1101 days ago

That’s an awful lot of deep shit for one nugget. It’s good to hear you on the up side.

It’s your blog, your life, your choices.

Good to have you back mate.
Keith Bell

1101 days ago

Welcome back, John; I was really missing “the FUCK bit”.

I’ve had a few of those “moments” in life too, but we’re resilient beasts, us hyoomans, and I got over them. Glad you have too.
Michael Heilemann

1101 days ago

Welcome back. People need to calm the fuck down about the use of the word fuck. I’m serious.
Martin Smith

1101 days ago

Have you been somewhere?
Malarkey

1101 days ago

Oh hell! I thought we’d got rid of you for good! ;)
Anton

1101 days ago

Welcome to: “Wanker Herding 101”
Your teacher: Mr. J. Oxton
Andrea

1101 days ago

Yay! Welcome back!
Roger Johansson

1101 days ago

You’d better not fucking stop using the bloody fuck word in your posts. It’s so refreshing to see some swearing now and then. And I can relate all too well to many of your points.

Fantastic that you’re back!
Olly Jackson

1101 days ago

“banonkers” is a fucking good word mate
Willmot

1101 days ago

Gosh am I glad I forgot to delete your feed from feeddemon, nice to read your prose John even if I can’t hear your voice.

Obviously with your posts being imaginary you can be as profane as I like, its not your fault I imagine you swearing at me through my computer screen.

You can’t go away because I will simply clap to bring you back.
YaaL

1101 days ago

Knew that.
They always come back.
Rob Mientjes

1101 days ago

Well hey what the… what’s all this profanity in my feed reader?
Matthew Pennell

1101 days ago

ALA is back. Oxton is back.

Back is the new black. Good news all round.

Will you be resurrecting the old forums – should I retire the temporary one?
Kitta

1101 days ago

You know Oxton, I also have some interesting video of Candy and myself that you (and probably the whole male population of the blogosphere) might be interested in. ;o)
Rob Weychert

1101 days ago

Great to have you back, old boy. Now make with the obscenities!
Derek Featherstone

1101 days ago

Damn you Oxton. How the hell am I supposed to respond to anything but that picture of Kitta and Candy? Two words: Sol. id.
Phil Sherry

1101 days ago

Fuck the fucking fuckers.
Philip Roche

1101 days ago

I can now reinstate my “j” bookmarks keyword. Great to see you back dude.
Derek Featherstone

1101 days ago

Oh – and now that I feel like a dirty old man, good to see a post here. Whether you’re back full time or if close the whole thing down again – whatever… good to read your words.
Kathy

1101 days ago

When I had my kids, I gave up booze, I gave up cigarettes (man, I feel for you), and I gave up slutty clothes. All I had left was Joshaink and a stash of stale leftover Halloween chocolate. I sure hope you’ll stick around or my life’s going to get a whole lot duller.
Kevin

1100 days ago

Glad to see back even if sporadically inconsistent. Just checked your flickr gallery, damn that was some scary hair. Good thing your kids didn’t know about The Shining.

Well glad to see your post, my day has brightened.
Scrivs

1100 days ago

I am easily the most loved man on the web. Say it! Fucking say it John Ink! Yeah I called you John Ink. What about it? I can say that on this blog because you know what this blog’s about? It’s about freedom of speech. That’s right.

Now back onto Kitta…(no really, I mean I am going back onto Kitta)
Jaro

1100 days ago

Good to see you back and stronger, John.
jacob

1100 days ago

wahey! You’re back!
Just when I started wondering why on earth this site was still in my bloglist.
David

1100 days ago

Hurrah!

I kept your site in my Blogs folder and checked it everyday with the others hoping that maybe just maybe you were back… and now you are!

Do not stop ‘the fuck bit’ – I’ve tried to include more swearing on delsimo! but just can’t do it with your style and passion!

And “banonkers”... that is now officially my new favourite word.

Welcome back!
goodwitch

1100 days ago

Fucking A! I always did believe in reincarnation!
Brian

1100 days ago

Good to have you back Oxton!
Lisa McMillan

1100 days ago

Holy shit. Pinch me. And I thought ALA’s resurrection was a good thing. Now I really do need to go find that web-groupie support group.

* Screaming * We LOOOOOVE you OXTON!!!!

Glad to have you back man. Come and go as you please. Have another episode or 5. Just please always come back to us? There was a serious hole while you were away. And that was even with all the fucking email from the list…
Jon Hicks

1100 days ago

me, me, me, me, me, me and more me!

;o)
Melyssa

1100 days ago

The cat came back – using one of his 9 lives….WOOHOO. You are a great inspiration to us all! Keep it coming and if you need some time away…don’t worry about it, us mice will play.

Welcome back!
Richard Dunlop-Walters

1100 days ago

Welcome back, hope you’re here to stay and don’t disappear again. ;)

I’m still curious as to the point of that ‘competition’ shortly before you left with the long list of links.
Nathan Smith

1099 days ago

Iím sorry to hear about your loss. While the polite thing to say is ìI know what youíre going through,î itíd be a lie. So, Iíll just say that Iím glad to see you back.
Nathan Logan

1095 days ago

What the other Nathan said.

Also, glad to see some fresh content amongst one of my favorite designs of all time.

My dad died

I gave up smoking

Too many fucking emails

I took a bit of flak, badly

I shut my blog down, bang bang

The farewells

The emails

One drunken night

Life is a lemon

Can't you do it without the FUCK bit?

You don't like me, I don't like Scrivs

So what now?

O, and CSS showcase sites (thanks for reminding me Colly)?

jeremiah

Hilde

Simon Mason

Anton

YaaL

Kevin

Christmas gifts?

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